Boy Band Buoyancy
by Rainbooks
Summary: On a nightmare cruise with her extended family, Bella (accidentally) breaks into someone else's room and pukes in their toilet. Apparently, the room she's broken into belongs to British boy band Breaking Dawn member Edward Cullen. After a misunderstanding that could smear BD's squeaky image, Bella agrees to pretend to be Edward's girlfriend for the rest of the trip.


**Hi, hello, my name is Zoe and I got the idea for this fanfiction from a novel called Decked with Holly by Marni Bates. I totally owe the plot to her, because I think it is super cute and wanted to write my own similar, Twilighty version. Speaking of, I don't own the characters from Twilight, either. **

**Thank you for reading, and please let me know what you think. Oh and, haha, no offense to you if you are one of ****_those girls_****. I'm not even going to lie, I'm one, too. Thank you! xoxo Zoe**

Boy Band Buoyancy 

_Bella_

My best friend is one of _those girls_.

You know, one of the ones who are in love with some guy they've never met, whether it be an actor or an athlete or a musician.

I'm not saying she's one of the ones that _loves_ someone in the sense that she appreciates their work or thinks they're amazing or pretty attractive as far as people go. I'm saying that she's one of the ones who are_in love with_ these people, like, setting photos of them as their phone background, waiting for them outside their hotel room, and following twitter accounts that are dedicated to candid photos of them, _in love with_ them.

And I'm okay with that. I accept Alice and her odd ways because _I_ love_ her._

Even though she squeals every time one of British boy band Breaking Dawn's songs come on in public.

Even when we're at work.

And when I ignore her and continue to prep a toddler in a sailor suit who our boss Mimi will take pictures of, she says, looking at us through the lens of the expensive camera we're not supposed to touch, "Come on Bella!" shimmying from side to side, "I know you know this song!"

"I do," I murmur to the kid, straightening his collar. "Unfortunately."

I've only heard it a million and one times.

"_God_, that's _Edward_," Alice says, she looks at us from above the camera and slaps a hand to her cheek. "He is so hot." She smiles at the kid and the kid giggles. Alice has that sort of effect on people. Anyway, it's more than the straight face and the possible passed gas he's given me in the past few minutes.

"You're a cutie, too, huh little man?" Alice coos. I stand up straight and pat his soft, downy head. "Oh, and check _you _out! With the super foxy _Isabella Swan _on your arm?" She gasps dramatically and I blush. "This just _screams _photo op." Looking back through the lens, pretending to take to take photos, Alice says in a deep voice: "Bella! Bella! Who are you wearing, Bella? Is this your boyfriend, Bella? Is it true that you have the best friend ever, Bella?"

I roll my eyes, but play along. I'm itching to tell Alice to stop touching the camera so that we don't get in trouble, but I know that she wouldn't listen to me anyway. "Goodwill," I say instead, to answer her question, "he's a bit young for my taste, and possibly. The jury is still out on that last one."

Alice looks up at me and makes a face, saying in her normal voice, "Goodwill? Didn't I tell you to stop shopping at the Goodwill? We work in the mall, for Christ's sake, Bella!"

Hating this topic, I twist from side to side, looking down at my casual long dress. "I thought this was cute," I say offhandedly. The toddler looks up at me and presses a chubby hand to my stomach, clutching the soft fabric. "See? He likes it too!"

"_That's_ cute," Alice says, and bends down to look through the lens once more.

I look down at the kid and smile, reveling in actually being liked by a baby for once. I don't have any siblings, and since it's just me and my dad at home, I have no inkling of what a motherly instinct is or is supposed to feel like. The kid's pretty cute, though. I put my hand back on his head, soft and warm, and he gurgles sweetly.

I'm just about to say something to Alice about his Sailor Suit, when his little hand, with surprising strength, yanks at the fabric, causing my bare left boob to pop out of my dress.

At the exact second Alice decided to take a real photo of the sweet moment we'd been having.

Shocked by the camera flash and the – well – the other flash, we gasp. I pull up my dress back over my breast and Alice straightens up real quick. For a moment, we don't say a word, looking at each other with our eyes and mouths wide open. The kid giggles. Alice might start laughing too, but then we hear Mimi and the kid's mom coming down the hall from her office, finished talking business.

Alice's eyes get impossibly wider, and I'm frozen, watching her press options on the camera trying to figure out how to delete the picture. Seconds before the door opens, Alice walks quickly over to where I stand, grabbing a comb from the side table, and begins brushing the kid's hair.

"Thank you, for watching him, girls," the kid's mom says when they come in. I smile briefly, nervously, and look away. I'm a terrible liar, not just with my words but with my eyes, and I know it.

"Absolutely," Alice says pleasantly, leading me out of the frame for the picture. "You've got a...a feisty one."

I shoot Alice a look and she's smirking. I might pass out. I can hear my heartbeat too fast in my ears. But over the sound of my heart, I hear something even more concerning: the sound of the printer running.

At the same time, Alice and I realize the camera had been hooked up to the printer so that every photo would be automatically printed out. She isn't smirking anymore.

"Did I print something?" Mimi says, turning away from her camera.

"I'll check!" Alice squeaks. She scrambles over to the printer, checks that Mimi and the kid's mom are setting up for the photo shoot, and takes the picture as soon as it prints, folding the glossy paper in eighths and sticking it in her back pocket of her skinny jeans.

"What is it?" Mimi says, looking over her shoulder.

"Oh, nothing," Alice says. "It was blank."

When she comes back over to me, she's on the verge of laughter. Exhilarated with having gotten away with this series of unfortunate events. I feel like might vomit.

As soon as Alice and I get off of work, we start walking through the mall, quickly and stiffly. We don't speak and we don't stop until we get to a water fountain far away from Mimi's Professional Photography Studio where we had worked all this summer. At this point, apparently, Alice can't hold it in anymore, and she breaks out into laughter, bracing herself on her thighs, bending over. "Oh, my _God!_" she cries.

Alice's laughter makes me want to laugh, too, but I hold it in. "Alice," I say tersely. I squat so I can murmur in her ear. "Alice, you deleted the picture, right?"

"Of course I did!" she says. "Just barely! Oh, my God, Bella! I can't believe that just happened!"

I sigh in relief and sit on the edge of the water fountain. Alice is overdoing it, now. "Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my _God!_"

"I had no idea you were so religious," I mumble.

"I'm sorry, but it was just – just, like pop! Like, oh, my God. Bella!"

I roll my eyes. "Okay, okay. Now you've seen my tits. One of them. Now hand over the picture."

"And it was such a nice tit, too!"

"Alice!" I hold out my hand expectantly.

Alice sobers up for a moment and pulls out the picture from her back pocket. She unfolds it and looks at it for a moment until she bursts out into laughter once more. I lurch forward to grab it and she jumps back.

"Alice, that photo can not exist. I'm shredding it, burning it, whatever. Hand it over."

Alice holds the picture far away. "No way," she says. "This is gold."

"Alice, give it!"

"This poor kid! He's probably traumatized. This counts as like kiddy porn – you're still seventeen. Do you think I could get arrested for this?"

I move around her, reaching. She's much shorter than me, but she's quick and flexible, moving around in my grip, waving my naked photo around just out of my reach. "Alice!"

"Why aren't you wearing a bra?"

I'm about to say something harsh and mean that will undoubtedly hurt Alice's feelings, when someone clears their throat behind me. Alice and I separate immediately. She has the photo behind her back, folding it and slipping it into her pocket. "Charlie!" she says.

"What are you doing here, dad?" I add.

I can read my father like a book. His eyebrows furrowing show he's confused. The way he purses his lips tells me he heard the bit about my bra but the amusement in his eyes says he heard nothing before it. His face relaxes and he shakes his head. He doesn't want to know. "I though I could take you girls out to dinner," he murmurs.

"Okay," I say, and because he's never been to the mall before, Alice and I lead him to a restaurant where they serve cow. Burgers, steak, whatever. Charlie's a simple man.

Sitting in our booth, no one says a word while we order and wait for our food. Alice, sitting beside me, is giddy, but knows she's on thin ice, so where she would have normally chattered through the entire meal, she only whispers to me once, "I'll keep it safe – in my diary."

I'm so angry I tear my napkin in half.

I figure my father has something big to say, if he'd taken the effort to come to the mall to see me when I was just about to drive home. We wait patiently for him to get to it.

Finally, he says, gruffly. "Your aunt Esme called."

"Oh?" I say.

"Yeah, she wanted to wish you a happy birthday."

The waiter brought our food, and set it in front of us. I push my fries closer to my burger and squeeze ketchup into the extra space. "My birthday isn't till next week."

Around his food, Charlie says, "She wants you to come down to LA and spend it with her and your cousins."

Alice gasps. "Oh, that would be so much fun," she murmurs, but then when I shoot her a look, she goes back to paying attention to her milkshake.

"The thing is dad," I say, "I don't exactly get along with my cousins. And school starts soon, so um..."

"Bells," Charlie says, "I hate to say this because it is your birthday, but this isn't about you." I grimace into my coke. Is he accusing me of being selfish? "Now, don't get all upset, there, the both of us know that all you do is think about other people..." That's better. "My sister is crazy, Bella. I just... Please go. I can't stand anymore crying."

I understand. My aunt Esme is a bit of a loose cannon. She's a perfectly lovely woman – she's a perfectly perfect woman with a perfectly perfect family, yet she's a little unbalanced when it comes to the thought that me and my father aren't exactly a part of that family. Especially since my mother died when I was a kid.

No one else really cares – her husband is an esteemed doctor who barely has any time for his own kids let alone a motherless niece and a widowed brother-in-law, her daughters, the beautiful Kate and Rosalie can't stand the sight of me, and me and my dad, we love her and all, but we live about eighteen hours away, and we're not really interested in being or having guests.

But to Esme, us being a part of her family is one of the most important things in the world. And, well, I shouldn't snub her for wanting to be with my on my birthday.

"Okay," I say.

"Okay," says Charlie. He takes a swig of his beer then adds, "But you're not staying in LA. She's taking you all on a cruise. To Mexico. She said it's safe, but you be sure that I'll be googling the current events 'round there."

I groan, but Alice gasps again. I don't even throw her a glare. Her sadness at being left behind in Forks was enough punishment for now.

"Oh, and she said you could bring a friend."

Alice's squeal is so high pitched, I want to cover my ears, but she has my arms pinned to my sides in a hug, giggling. "What makes you think I'm taking you?" I ask, but she just swings me side to side. Finally, I give in, and laugh with her, thinking about how I'd get that picture from her.

_Edward_

Oh, God, it's one of_ those girls. _

Yeah, of course I love my fans and all of that, but Jesus, don't they know that the loo is off limits? And this is the men's restroom for shit's sake! Don't they have any sense of...I don't know! Shit! I just want to take a shit without some girls standing outside the stall!

She's right outside the door for a moment. I'm staring at her sparkly chucks and she's probably staring at my white converse even though my black jeans are around my ankles. Then she leaves. I sigh in relief. That's all I want, really – to shit in peace.

A second later, the door opens again and I hear it – squealing. Fuck.

You know, one Breaking Dawn fan is virtually harmless. When they're alone, they're nervous. Sweet, even. Shy. But put a couple of them together, and they grow a fat, hairy, pair of balls.

There are three pairs of shoes outside my door, now. After a moment of hissing, whispering, and more squealing, Sparkly Chucks knocks on the stall. "Um, hello?" she asks.

I'm trapped. Like an animal

In a deep voice, hoping I'd throw them off, I say, "Occupado."

The girls giggle. Fuck.

"Um, Edward, hi, my name is Maddie, and I -" they giggle. Giggling might be worse than squealing, I think.

"I love you!" cries out one of the other girls. Collectively, they're making this high-pitched, all together unpleasant noise that makes me frown.

"Alright, hold on a moment," I say in my normal voice. They wait for me to wipe my ass and flush. God, these girls are disgusting.

As soon as I open the stall door, their noise increases in frequency. They pull me out of the stall and wrap their arms around me. They might be about twelve years old. One of them strokes my face.

I hold my hands up high. "Alright, okay, only, do you mind if I wash my hands, first?" The girls squeal their assent and allow me to shuffle over to the sinks so that I can wash my hands, still holding onto me.

I dry my hands, and take a deep breath. These are my fans, and I love them. Without them, I am nothing

A mantra.

"Okay, so you're Maddie, with sparkly chucks," I smirk and Maddie looks like she might pass out. "And you are?"

I talk to the girls for a while, then sign their bags and the backs of their shirts and their shoes, and then I make my escape. Jasper would have wanted to take these girls back to a parent to make sure they were safe, walking around alone at our manager's office building in the middle of downtown Los Angeles, but I found that the mothers of these girls were oftentimes crazier than their daughters.

"I'll have you know," I say, coming back into our manager's office. I take my seat next to Emmett and her musses up my hair. "Don't touch my hair Emmett – listen, I'll have you know, that there are three girls roaming around this building, right now. Just twelve years old, I think."

Irna frowns, then picks up her phone. "I'll get security on it."

"Well, there's no use getting them in any trouble, now," Jasper says.

"They cornered me in my stall!" I say dramatically, pulling my legs up in my chair. In thought I agree with Jasper, but I _feel_ irritated. Though, I also _feel_ slightly guilty when our manager murmurs something into the phone.

"Which floor, Edward?" she asks.

"This one."

"Oh, come on," Jasper says.

"Wait," says Emmett. "They were in the bathroom with you? The _men's _bathroom?"

"Yes! Absolutely no respect for...bathroom regulations."

"Alright, boys, listen," Irna says, putting the phone down, all business.

But Emmett goes on. "Wait," he says, "Weren't you in there to take a shit?"

"Boys," says Irna.

"Yeah!" I say, only I'm talking to Emmett.

"That's disgusting."

"That's what I thought."

"And what? Did they let you finish?"

"Emmett, please." Irna is getting irritated. Jasper sits with his arms folded, pouting, but I know he wants to laugh, because I see it in his pretty 'chocolate fudge' eyes everyone loves so much.

"No," I say. "They didn't, actually."

"Boys!" We stop and pay attention, because that's as angry as we wish to see her, just right now. "You've been doing great this summer. The response to this past album was exceptional, the tour was a success. What I think now, is that we need a vacation."

Emmett throws his fist in the air, silently, not wanting to interrupt her.

"Yes, well. Only for a week," she continues. "We have to get straight back to work on..." she looks at her calender, "September 23rd. A Monday. So relax boys. Stay home, go out, go on a cruise. Whatever you want."

"A cruise," I say, smirking. "I've never gone on a cruise."

Irna smiles, just a little bit, but doesn't look up from her laptop. "I'll have one booked for you, Edward."

I lean back in my chair, stretching. Perfect. Me and the open sea. Nothing to do but eat and be alone. That's all I want, really.

"Fuck- Emmett, _don't touch my hair!_"


End file.
